“Words…”

There are always words in my head.

Always.

They swirl around in there, sometimes quietly and sometimes so loudly that I can barely hear anything else.

Thoughts. Questions. Conversations I’ve had. Conversations I wish I’d had. Things I said. Things I shouldn’t have said. Things I wonder if I should have said differently.

I think too much.

I analyze too much.

I feel too much.

And lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe I’m just…too much.

Too much for too many people.

Too emotional.
Too sensitive.
Too invested.
Too caring.
Too opinionated.
Too available.

Just…too much.

And then, somehow, I can turn right around and feel like I’m not enough.

Not enough for too many people.

Not enough as a friend.
Not enough as a wife.
Not enough as a mom.
Not enough in the things I do.
Not enough in the way I show up.

It’s a weird place to live.

Somewhere between feeling like I’m too much and feeling like I’m not enough.

And I’m unsure.

I’m uncertain.

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to feel sometimes. 

You always want to know what you’re like through someone else’s eyes.

Don’t you?

I do.

Sometimes.

I want to know what people really think of me.

Do they think I’m kind?
Do they think I’m annoying?
Do they think I care too much?
Do they think I’m too much?
Do they think I’m not enough?

Do they see me the way I see myself?

Do they see the parts of me I try really hard to hide?

And then there are times when I absolutely do not want to know.

Because what if I ask and I don’t like the answer?

What if the person I am in someone else’s head is completely different from the person I think I am?

So the words keep swirling.

And I keep thinking.

And wondering.

And questioning.

Maybe I’m too much.

Maybe I’m not enough.

Maybe I’m both.

Maybe I’m neither.

I don’t know.

I just know there are a lot of words in my head tonight.

And for once, I don’t really know what to do with them.

So I write them here. 

And leave them.